Speak Now

Joe is waiting to talk. He often touches another person's lips to indicate "I want to talk too." He knows other people form words with their lips; he doesn't understand why the muscles in his mouth and jaw are so weak, they can't sustain speech. Every month I call our local senator's office and remind him about the amendment to NYS Medicaid law, to allow Joe to have the prescribed supplement which will strengthen his muscles and let him form words with his lips, like everyone else. The bill is waiting approval to be put on the agenda so the committee can discuss it. Really? Are we kidding? Must call more senators, or see if PA will be more accepting of children like Joe. How long will he have to wait? This is a rare photo of Joe actually looking at the camera. Joe will do things for Maggie he won't do for anyone else, even his twin. She just says, "Joe, look," and he does.

Nicholas

Born on the Feast of the Annunciation, the day our Blessed Mother discovered she was to be the mother of the Messiah. What a perfect way to celebrate the birth of another firstborn son! Three very tired people: Elizabeth, brand-new son, Nicholas, and her husband, John. After twenty-something hours of labor, no drugs, plenty of grit and determination, Elizabeth delivered her son. She and John were amazingly in sync throughout labor and delivery, even handling the constant re-hooking of the baby monitor and IV with grace. Labor is challenging enough without constantly watching to be sure you don't get tangled up in the machinery monitoring your baby's heartbeat. It was a joy-filled experience to be there for labor and delivery, helping Elizabeth brace and re-position for each push. She gripped my hands so hard I thought they must be broken, then pushed against me again and again, for hours. John and I were on either side, literally guiding Elizabeth so she wouldn't fall off the narrow hospital bed as she moved about. The doctor, midwife and doula came in and out, checking monitors, coaching, massaging, encouraging. The pains continued, harder and faster until Nicholas' head finally emerged, then slippery as a fish, his shoulders, torso, long legs kicking. John and I just looked at each other, standing on either side of Elizabeth, and laughed for sheer happiness. No matter how many times you go through this, it's always a gift from the Lord, this new person emerging into the world. My arms and shoulders would ache for days afterwards. No matter. Nicholas is here!

Someone To?

So, I moved, two hours away, into Pennsylvania. It felt so strange to leave the house where I'd raised my five children --four of them were born right there, at home -- but it was time.

It feels scary but invigorating at the same time. Now, I definitely feel single, and very alone. When I have more work, I tell myself, it will feel better. Right now I'm just a stranger, a new person in town. But I will meet people and get involved in things.

I'll be back every month anyway, to check on the house, see Rob and Joe, but I also need to get down to the city, to see Liz, John, and Lucey. Soon, in about a month, my grandson will arrive. Stopped by the co-op to pick up Maggie, taking her to JFK last weekend, I saw the crib is already up and waiting...

I was feeling so trapped in that empty house, in that too-quiet little hamlet, hemmed in by ice and snow, and frequent snowstorms. My life isn't there.

I found a lovely housemate, nice neighborhood, a church I like with daily Mass and other activities. This is a very populated area, lots to do. Certainly a better chance of meeting someone who might be interested in an exclusive relationship. I still hope and pray that will happen. I've spent so many years alone as a single parent, always focused on the children, it would be lovely to find someone who wants to be there for me. Someday, I will.

Meanwhile the Lord is calling me to stay close to Him, to have no fear, only love. Because His love casts out fear.

In The Depths of Winter

Came home from work, went out to the big kindling box behind the shed, loaded up a container of kindling to put by the back door. Checked that we had plenty of coal next to the stove. Rob had already brought in plenty of logs, but they're all too damp, because he had to dig them out of the snow, the woodpile being almost gone and therefore under the snow...
Sigh, something else to add to my "to do when it's warmer" list -- frame out the wood pile before I order another cord this summer -- so it won't be resting on the ground next January.
Of course, things will be different next winter, as I don't expect anyone will be living in the house full-time. Lucey's off to college, Joe's away at school, Maggie's back from Belgium for a month or so before heading off to Luxembourg, Rob will likely move on after he finishes at the community college this spring, Liz and John are readying their nest for the new little one, and then, who knows where I'll be?
I told God my plans; (He got a nice chuckle out of them, anyway.) Once the kids are gone: get lots of writing done, pay off debts, travel, see the world, maybe meet someone?
Hey, I thought it was a good plan. I've got a nice set of golf clubs sitting in the attic, waiting for my first lesson this spring. Maybe I'll get some putting practice in this winter, before that first grandchild arrives in a few months...

Summer at Sacred Heart Church

This is just a picture of the twins, from Sacred Heart Church -- a couple of weeks ago, I think. Joe was so happy to see his (younger) twin sister. He thinks she's the coolest thing on two legs. And she's always been there for him, ever since that day, fifteen years ago, when she toddled over to Joe and handed him a bottle, saying, "Dofus! Badoh!" She's been his lifeline ever since.
Joe used to come home from school to a houseful of children, siblings and their friends who automatically became his friends too, God bless them! Now, too often he comes home for a weekend with just me. If I plan it right, he keeps busy visiting all his favorite places: Peck's Market, where all the pretty high school girls work, the recycling center where Joe gets to dump the glass bottles into the big container and listen to the satisfying crash, yeah! And sometimes we go by Jesse's and he comes over to greet Joe, leaving a car up on the lift for Joe to look at. Pretty girls and cool, macho guys who work with cars and smash up garbage, that's Joe's world.

I'll Take Romance

"Rob," I told my 19 year old son, "I just did something I haven't done in 29 years and eleven months. Without missing a beat Rob declared, "you went on a date." I asked the kids if they were okay with this. They just looked at me, amused. Their expressions were clear: it's about time.
"After all," said 16 year old Lucey, "we're all grown up now."
So, maybe I waited longer than I should have, thinking my kids weren't ready. Heck with that, I wasn't ready. Some people are good at multi-tasking. I just couldn't see raising 5 children and dating. Something wrong with that picture, I thought.
But still, it wasn't wasted time. I got into reading the Bible and praying and meditating, got much closer to the Lord, so much so that I've learned to praise Him in every situation, and be grateful for all His blessings.
Now, in the back of my mind there's this mental countdown to next August when Lucey, at 16, goes off to college and I'm all alone with the cats. Most days, I come home to an empty house now, anyway, as my two remaining teenagers are busy with their own lives.
Unfortunately, that first date turned into a stalker. I actually had to call the police, change my phone number and block him from my email. And it was my own fault; the Lord had said "no" quite clearly. The next time, I asked Him first. Much better approach.
I'm going on a second date next week, with someone of whom the Lord approves. More later.

May and June

Maggie graduated from St. John's on May 17th, with thousands of spectators. Wonderful, moving speech by Immaculee Ilibagiza from Rwanda. Maggie loaned me her book, LEFT TO TELL, amazing story. I sat with the family & Clare Scott's family. Lauren joined us and shared her news; she's joining a religious order in Michigan, just glowing with joy. I've got to know so many of Maggie's friends, extraordinary group of talented people.
The graduation itself was filmed as background for a new movie with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. Maggie had signed up to play an extra in the film the next day, forgetting she had a road trip planned to Cape Cod/Maine with friends. So she gave her spot to Robby. Robby showed up the next day, with Maggie's number. The casting coordinator looked up, puzzled: "You're Maggie Snyder?" she queried, reasonably, since Robby with full beard looks nothing like his sister. "No," he responded politely, "but I already have my costume," and he held up the graduation robe. They accepted him on the spot.
Robby's graduation, on June 27th was typical for our upriver hamlet-on-the-Delaware. About 60 kids graduated on the front lawn with parents and friends in attendance, accompanied by members of the jr high band, and a few high schoolers, like Rob's sister Lucey, now the only one of my children still attending Eldred High School. Robby did well, completed a Regents diploma and received two good-sized local scholarships. Notably, half the class, including Robby, will be atttending OCCC; a sure sign of the economic downturn.
Afterwards, we celebrated at home, with cakes for Rob Sr. and Elizabeth's 26th birthday, plus Robby's graduation cake, with a shower of presents for all three celebrants.